Saturday, June 9, 2012

My Story

I spent most of my adult life trying to satisfy a deep ache and longing within my soul.  Something in me wanted my attention, wanted it badly and wanted it NOW.  This caused me the deepest suffering because it wasn’t getting it.  Whatever I tried to feed it, this thing was never satisfied.  

This longing was so deep that usually I would only see its many external manifestations.  I was terrified of relationships, but wanted friends and lovers badly.  I wanted to be seen and admired, but was cripplingly ashamed of myself.  I would find success, but was never satisfied or at ease with it.  I couldn’t trust myself and constantly sought out external validation.  I felt lost in my life and without a compass of where to go or what to do.

I was lonely.

Desperately lonely.  I was suspicious of anyone who wanted to be my friend or lover, and I reserved my trust and interest only for those who were unavailable to me.  

I hated myself on a daily basis and I seemed to be my own worst enemy, and none of it made any sense.

I tried years of therapy, intuitives and healers.  They helped, but this core ache never went away.  I faced my demons, catalogued all the deep injuries of my childhood and wept about it-- still the core wound remained.

I travelled to asia for 9 months,  fell in love with a magical tantrika, opened my heart for the first time truly, only to have these deep feelings undermine every moment with jealousy and terror of being abandoned.  

Finally broken wide open and just exhausted, something happened.  

I got gotten.  

I got gotten so deeply that there was nothing to do but start to heal.

“Oh my god, you’ve never been loved for being you!  

“You are always doing something to get love.  Then you feel used when they take what you are offering or rejected when they don’t want what you are offering.  Either way YOU never get seen, and YOU never get loved.”

Then he walked right up to my chair.

“Can you feel how much love and compassion I have for you-- right now?”

I couldn’t speak, but my whole body was trembling.  My hands were dripping sweat, every cell felt nauseous at the same time.

“I don’t know...”

Then he put his hand on the center of my chest.  

I felt the love, compassion, care, all of it, for me-- unconditionally.   It filled a void I didn’t even know I had.  I took a breath and felt like I had grown an extra lung.  When I exhaled, I exploded, vomiting ancient sobs for hours, and then days.  

I worked with this man and studied with him from that time forward.  First I learned for what I had been aching for so long:  I wanted, needed, was dying inside to love myself unconditionally. Simply for being alive.  Simply for being.  Simply for the FACT of me.

And I did.  It was a powerful, beautiful and sometimes difficult transformation taking me to the extremes of all the emotions I knew and some that I didn’t.  Until one day it happened.

I looked in the mirror.  


And I liked myself.  I thought,

“I would hang out with me.”  

And from that moment began the sweetest love affair of my life.  A love affair with myself.  Now a love affair with my dear friends who were there all along waiting for me to realise that they DID love me.  And now a love affair with my fiancĂ©e who is able to see and appreciate me even more deeply than I do myself, and I return the favor.

Since that time, I have been shocked at how many in the world are like me-- going through the same struggles and confusion I did.  I’ve been helping others realize their own inherent worth, love-ability and right to feel joy.  It is the singular deepest mission in my life.

For me, this transformation is foundational to creating the life of your dreams.  With it everything else begins to line up almost miraculously.  Without it every path is a dead end.  Loving yourself gives the power to trust yourself and others, and receive the gifts that are always waiting to come flooding into your life.

There is no greater joy for me than creating this revolution for others.  I’m so grateful to serve; it is my gift to give and the greatest gift I can receive.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

How I Coach

I help my clients put together the story of their lives right now so they can see how and why they are experiencing life the way they are. With this broader perspective, the range, depth, and power of the choices available to them expands powerfully, surprisingly and immediately.

We all have places where we have lost our ability to make choices about the way we relate to our lives. These places of lost choice can seem so large that what we forget we once made a choice, and simply experience our limitations as permanent and unchangeable life rather than something we have the power to choose or not choose.

These places are not places where we are mistaken or even wrong. Simply they are places where we had to make a strong choice for our lives to work. This was a crucial act of self love which was inevitable. No one is wrong or bad or even flawed for making these choices. However it is deeply empowering to remember that they are our choices to make and unmake.

Think of every experience you aren't enjoying in this moment. Now there are external factors in life over which we have no control. However we do have choice about how we relate to these factors in our lives. Simply ask this question: If I could choose to feel this way, would I? This is a choice you can make. I want to help you find out how.

Something happens, we respond. Our ability to determine and create the life we want is directly related to our ability to chose our response. I want to help my clients understand and make sense of why they respond they way they do, and how they can chose to respond differently. To find the moment when the choice is made to listen to a belief, to see that something is a trigger, to recognize that a large emotional experience is happening, but that it is not them, and that it is not unchangeable or permanent.

I create a safe space to look at the reasons that you have made the choices you have in your life. To help you make sense of the way you are experiencing life, and find the ways you can be empowered to choose your relationship to your life rather than have it chosen for you by default.

I create a safe space through a few commitments:

1. Non Judgement: I believe everyone is where they are as a result of doing the best they can with the resources they have. I believe all of us at heart are good, and want to love and be loved, and be safe. These are core needs and worth everything we do to meet them. With this in mind I can listen from a place of understanding and compassion. I believe your sharing vulnerable truths is an act or bravery and worthy of deep respect.

2. I am committed to really listening and understanding what my clients say. I am relentless in 'getting' my clients. I want to understand what's happening for my clients so deeply that how they see the world and how it affects them emotionally makes sense to me.

3. Your experience is yours and it is valid. Even if it doesn't make sense, you have a right to feel the way you feel when you are feeling it. I will never make you wrong for being as you are. Where you are is usually the most interesting and fertile place to examine to discover who you are and what you want.

I will be posting my thoughts on how we relate to our lives here in my blog. If you are interested in a session please call me: 415 813-5913. Thank you for reading, and have a beautiful day.

©Adam Gordon June 5, 2011

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Choosing Where to Place Faith

I think we all mourn for the loss of the way we were cared for as children on some level.   Being responsible  for our own well being is frightening, scary, painful and downright tragic sometimes.  Whatever our circumstances even the strongest of us are fragile vulnerable creatures and we know it.  What to do?

I think most of us spend our lives trying to make this not true.  If I just do x, y and z then this won't apply to me.  If I find the right partner I'll be cared for.  If I make enough money.  Help enough people.

All these things have their benefits,  but they don't make us any less fragile.  On the contrary, trying to have these things make us feel safe only takes away our ability to enjoy these things when we do get them, and there is much to enjoy about all these things.

So what is a human to do?  Frail, vulnerable,  alone and because of it unsatisfied even with our blessings.  Here I would ask the question:  if I had a choice, would I choose this?  For me, and most of us the answer is no. So how do we choose something else.

Well, let's start by looking at what we are choosing now.  Our dilemma is that we are faced with ambiguity about death, dying, pain, suffering and aloneness.  The assumption we make is that these things are to be feared and avoided at all costs.  However these things are inevitable.  So we are faced with an inevitable future which we assume is catastrophic.  What is a human to do?

There's a belief at work here which creates this fear.  I would articulate that belief as either: the universe (or God) is hostile, or at best indifferent.  I used to beleve this.  Here's the question about this: knowing that this belief is the source of my suffering, would I close to believe this if I had a choice?  The answer for me is a clear no.  So what is the alternative?

Try this on and see how it feels:  existence continues behind me infinitely.  Everything that has ever been has led to this experience of my life in this moment.  This is a benevolent universe.  This is a universe that loves me.  Every experience I have is actually the universe loving me in ways I cannot understand.

Now this is not necessarily true.  I can't definitively prove this, but I also can't definitively prove that the universe is hostile and indifferent. These are not provable questions.  These are choices.  They are choices of where we place our most empowering ability, an ability unique to humans.  This is our ability to have faith.

As creatures in this uncertain world answers to these fundamental questions will never be figured out.  There is no correct answer.  How we answer these questions is how we create our reality.

Just as there is no correct way to put paint on a canvas, or for a river to cut a gorge in the earth, or for a tree to grow branches,  there is no correct belief for us to place our faith.  It is our birthright to choose our personal expression of faith.

I've given you the belief I choose to have faith in now.  I choose it because it has me feeling deeply loved and safe in the world.  Because it makes my heart feel full and makes each moment worthy of gratitude.  This is a choice I've made.  This choice is my birthright, as your choice is your birthright.  Have you chosen your personal faith, or are you faithful by default?  What would you choose if you could?  Because the choice is yours.

©Adam Gordon, June 4, 2011
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Phone: 415 813-5913