This longing was so deep that usually I would only see its many external manifestations. I was terrified of relationships, but wanted friends and lovers badly. I wanted to be seen and admired, but was cripplingly ashamed of myself. I would find success, but was never satisfied or at ease with it. I couldn’t trust myself and constantly sought out external validation. I felt lost in my life and without a compass of where to go or what to do.
I was lonely.
Desperately lonely. I was suspicious of anyone who wanted to be my friend or lover, and I reserved my trust and interest only for those who were unavailable to me.
I hated myself on a daily basis and I seemed to be my own worst enemy, and none of it made any sense.
I tried years of therapy, intuitives and healers. They helped, but this core ache never went away. I faced my demons, catalogued all the deep injuries of my childhood and wept about it-- still the core wound remained.
I travelled to asia for 9 months, fell in love with a magical tantrika, opened my heart for the first time truly, only to have these deep feelings undermine every moment with jealousy and terror of being abandoned.
Finally broken wide open and just exhausted, something happened.
I got gotten.
I got gotten so deeply that there was nothing to do but start to heal.
“Oh my god, you’ve never been loved for being you!
“You are always doing something to get love. Then you feel used when they take what you are offering or rejected when they don’t want what you are offering. Either way YOU never get seen, and YOU never get loved.”
Then he walked right up to my chair.
“Can you feel how much love and compassion I have for you-- right now?”
I couldn’t speak, but my whole body was trembling. My hands were dripping sweat, every cell felt nauseous at the same time.
“I don’t know...”
Then he put his hand on the center of my chest.
I felt the love, compassion, care, all of it, for me-- unconditionally. It filled a void I didn’t even know I had. I took a breath and felt like I had grown an extra lung. When I exhaled, I exploded, vomiting ancient sobs for hours, and then days.
I worked with this man and studied with him from that time forward. First I learned for what I had been aching for so long: I wanted, needed, was dying inside to love myself unconditionally. Simply for being alive. Simply for being. Simply for the FACT of me.
And I did. It was a powerful, beautiful and sometimes difficult transformation taking me to the extremes of all the emotions I knew and some that I didn’t. Until one day it happened.
I looked in the mirror.
And I liked myself. I thought,
“I would hang out with me.”
And from that moment began the sweetest love affair of my life. A love affair with myself. Now a love affair with my dear friends who were there all along waiting for me to realise that they DID love me. And now a love affair with my fiancée who is able to see and appreciate me even more deeply than I do myself, and I return the favor.
Since that time, I have been shocked at how many in the world are like me-- going through the same struggles and confusion I did. I’ve been helping others realize their own inherent worth, love-ability and right to feel joy. It is the singular deepest mission in my life.
For me, this transformation is foundational to creating the life of your dreams. With it everything else begins to line up almost miraculously. Without it every path is a dead end. Loving yourself gives the power to trust yourself and others, and receive the gifts that are always waiting to come flooding into your life.
There is no greater joy for me than creating this revolution for others. I’m so grateful to serve; it is my gift to give and the greatest gift I can receive.